Here We Are Again

When Abbey Vogel posted on my wall a few days ago, asking where this little sucker went, I asked myself the same question, too. All too quickly this little blog of mine escaped my grasp farther than it ever had before. So, here I am, for the millionth time, asking you to be kind and forgive my forgetful little heart of mine.

Life has been real crazy but real sweet to me in the biggest of ways. December 1st has come and gone, marking the end of Early Action and the END of college application season. High school seniors everywhere too a large sigh of relief that day. :) It's pretty crazy to know that all the choices and decisions are left to me! I am now resting in the fact that what's done is done and it is now time to sit back, relax and enjoy what senior year has to give to me.

Life was especially sweet to me a few weekends ago at Happening #52 when I got to co-rector with my partner in crime, Owen Powell (Who is now SK's senior class president! Congratulate the kid if ya can!) and I have said it a million times, but I wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else. This kid has stolen my heart and put up with quite a few crazy antics of mine over the weekend but serving Christ and that group of Happeners with him at my side was an experience that will forever be extremely close to my heart.

I had a nice little run in with my Jesus on the first day of Advent yesterday in my little safe haven of a classroom in Henry Clay. My 9th grade Civics teacher had written the daily Advent devotional for her congregation and she gave me the opportunity to read it and boooyyy did I need it. It talked about Revelation and the uncomfortable sinking feeling we all get when we realize that this is that wrathful God that people fear and hide from. It was put in to perspective when we realize that Jesus becomes wrathful and has a famous Mrs. Cabble "come apart" only because he loves us too dearly to allow us to continue in the cycle of sin that has been prevalent since He began to share his story of grace with us thousands of years ago. This wrathful God that we so easily hide from is a God that has a love for us that runs so deep in His veins that being passive about our wandering would just as easily cause a "come apart."

I pray for y'all's Advent journeys, the end of the semester, Happening #53 and stillness of heart (I have a hard time learning to slow down, sometimes, in case you haven't noticed..).

All my love and peppermint Hershey's kisses,
Ash

Arise

Wow, okay.. So God just laid something really heavy on my heart and pushed me to share it with you all.
I'm just gonna get right to it: Things hit the fan in my life a few weeks ago and kind of caused me to stop and reevaluate who I am, where I'm going and who I want to be. I made choices that were out of character to me, and compromised steps of faith I had made over the past year. While I have always been the lighthearted, social butterfly Ashleigh, I found myself going up against something I had never experienced in this magnitude: self-doubt.

Google likes to define self-doubt as "a lack of faith or confidence in oneself." Jeez, they couldn't have said it better. For the past 5 weeks, I have hit a wall. A wall that I continue to go up against because I can't seem to believe in the person I am, or the person I want to be. My once firm foundation has become shaky: I no longer can tell who I truly am and be confident in the choices I make. I am doubtful every second of my days. I am doubtful of my image. I am doubtful of my relationships. I am doubtful of my future. I am doubtful of myself. I feel as if the Ashleigh I once knew has somehow escaped me and I can't quite seem to find her anymore.
I feel small in comparison to who I have been. I feel as if I am less and less important each day because my actions define how I see myself. I do not feel worthy of love or grace from those around me.

With this lack of self-confidence, I have made an effort to take some quiet time everyday and read a few devotionals or dive into a book of the Bible I have previously left untouched. I started reading a lot of She Reads Truth devotionals that look closely at different topics, books and women in the Bible. On Day 3 of the '5 Favorites' series, I read about Talitha, Jarius' daughter. She was 12 and was brought to Jesus by her father to be brought back to life. The devotional focuses on the fact that we learn so little about Talitha - is she kind, smart, obedient, lovely, graceful, selfless? - but we know so much about Jesus. Jesus didn't need a rap sheet or a backstory.
"The truth is, none of that really matters. The basis of her identity - from our point of view, is that she was a girl who was dead and Jesus brought back to life."

I want to learn that I am who I am because Christ is who He is.
I am everything I am because Christ is bringing me back.

I am everything I am because of the moment when He looks at me and says, "Little girl - I say to you, arise."

I am praying for humility in my life. I am praying for the ability to humble myself in the sight of my Lord and call out to him, to ask him for help just as Jarius' did for his daughter.
I am praying that I can learn to define myself in Him. I am praying for growth and strength.

All I know is, is that my God is so full of grace. And for that, I am so grateful.

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” Criss Jami

Xoxo, Ashleigh

Heavy Hearts but A God Who Loves

I've got a heavy heart for many reasons this week and I am reminded of how precious and fragile life is. I too often forget how important each moment is. After this week, I was encouraged of God's plan and how I fit. While reading my #SheReadsTruth devo this morning, I came across this. 

I, Ashleigh Wallace, have been sent on a special assignment by Christ as part of God's master plan. 

Thankful for this encouragement today. Thankful for good friends. Thankful for friends who support each other and love each other when life seems to slip away from us. 

Xoxo, Ash

Tanner Duke September 1, 1998 - January 25, 2014.

Why I Shop at Aerie

Every year around Christmastime, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show airs.. And I don't watch. I've actually never watched it before, and it's not because of your typical feminist "I don't want to endorse that type of image" answer. I just have 0 interest in the Fashion Show. I always have until I came across some of Adriana Lima's statements about her diet as a Victoria's Secret Angel in a People Magazine article. 

She indulges in "no solids" for those nine days, and then, for 12 hours before the show, "No liquids at all so you dry out, sometimes you can lose up to eight pounds just from that."

Wow. Nine days of no food. Nine days of nasty protein shakes that give you much less than your body needs. Although she has tried to recant and say her regimen is not as drastic as it seems - I beg to differ. That is crazy. Millions of people across the globe tune in every December and applaud her for what she does to her body. I just can't. After knowing this about the "Angels," I can't seem to justify shopping there or condoning that type of treatment to the most important thing in this tangible world: my body.

These same ideals go along with the Barbie revelation that has been made recently about who she would be if she was made human.

  

Now of course, every 5 year old isn't going to pour over every dimension of a Barbie doll. But, it's the principle of the idea. I remember growing up thinking Barbie was who I wanted to be: smart and kind and beautiful! Instilling some of these ideas into our daughters at such a young age warps and changes our perception of what is acceptable. 

But all of that aside, I have fallen even more in love with Aerie and their response to these heightened expectations that have fallen into women's laps over the past decades. This past Friday, Aerie unveiled their 'Aerie Real' campaign in which all the women featured in their photographs are unaltered with no Photoshop and no airbrushing. 

 

It's refreshing and beautiful knowing I'm supporting a company that does not expect me to look like models in their ads. A company that believes in natural beauty. It's a breath of fresh air. I applaud Aerie for their new campaign and for their discontent with society's standards. 

Here's to beauty in a million different forms.

Xoxo, Ash.

Late Start on the New Year

Christmas is always my favorite time of the year (cheesy & trite, I know) because I am surrounded by good company for 2 whole weeks. Ending the year around the people who love me for who I truly am reassures me that each new year will be better than the last. 

So.. In order to hold myself accountable and actually attempt these goals I always make, this year (nope, they're not resolutions, good point Monogram Meredith) I'm gonna tell you all about them.

 

Eat out less.

It is incredibly painful to look at my bank account transactions and see so much money wasted on lunches & dinners - I've got nothing to show for them! For the sake of my wallet and waist.. I'm going to eat out less this year.

Drink more water and green tea.

Sometimes I just hit that wall and drink Diet Coke FOR DAYS. It's awful. It's addictive (okay, I'm sounding a lil crazy here but hey!) and not okay. So, I'm going to drink more green tea (with less sweetener) and water everyday.

Get my Starbucks Gold Card.

Okay.. This is completely and utterly shameful but I don't even care. I'm 19 stars away! 

Stay on top of my blog more and write about what matters.

I seem to get in this habit of just writing the daily occurrences in my life and never actually writing about what's heavy on my heart. Actually, I get into this habit of not blogging at all.. So I promise I will be better in 2014.

Live out of my planner less.

I'm such Type A girl and my planner is LIFE. I actually ruined my Lilly one the other day (spilt coffee allllll over it) and it gave me the worst anxiety. Why?! Because I'm constantly checking and re-checking my planner for all my to-dos and appointments and assignments. I want to take a few deep breaths, and back away from the planner more in 2014. I want to just go with the flow.

Keep my room clean.. All the time.

This one is gonna get me, I'll tell ya that much. I want to not destroy my room every time I try to find an outfit to wear.

 Love myself a little more.

Towards the end of 2013, I seemed to just beat myself up about my outward appearance. I would spend hours in front of the mirror, pouring over every blemish. I'm going to learn to love myself for who I am and who I am becoming in 2014.

Know where I'm going to college. (WHAT?)

Okay, this one is going to throw me for a loop but it's true. By December 31st, 2014, I want to know where I am going to school for the next 4 years. It will be such a relief to know that I can enjoy the second semester of my senior year confident that I am completely ready for my freshman year.

Treat myself.

I want to take one day a month to treat myself. Buy myself something new. Get a mani-pedi. Take a bath and read my favorite book. Make myself my favorite meal. Anything at all. I want to appreciate my body and take time to rest.

Read my devotional every night.

I won't lie, I'm pretty bad about staying on top of any of my devotionals.. But especially Jesus Calling. I want to take time to rest in God's presence and learn more about who He is and how He loves me.

 So, there you have it. All the things I hope to accomplish in 2014. Scary, looming but will be good for me, that's for sure. I am so grateful for the experiences I had in 2013; I think I am starting to love the woman I am growing up to be. 

 Here's to 2014: the end of junior year and the start of senior year!

Xoxo, Ash