Arise

Wow, okay.. So God just laid something really heavy on my heart and pushed me to share it with you all.
I'm just gonna get right to it: Things hit the fan in my life a few weeks ago and kind of caused me to stop and reevaluate who I am, where I'm going and who I want to be. I made choices that were out of character to me, and compromised steps of faith I had made over the past year. While I have always been the lighthearted, social butterfly Ashleigh, I found myself going up against something I had never experienced in this magnitude: self-doubt.

Google likes to define self-doubt as "a lack of faith or confidence in oneself." Jeez, they couldn't have said it better. For the past 5 weeks, I have hit a wall. A wall that I continue to go up against because I can't seem to believe in the person I am, or the person I want to be. My once firm foundation has become shaky: I no longer can tell who I truly am and be confident in the choices I make. I am doubtful every second of my days. I am doubtful of my image. I am doubtful of my relationships. I am doubtful of my future. I am doubtful of myself. I feel as if the Ashleigh I once knew has somehow escaped me and I can't quite seem to find her anymore.
I feel small in comparison to who I have been. I feel as if I am less and less important each day because my actions define how I see myself. I do not feel worthy of love or grace from those around me.

With this lack of self-confidence, I have made an effort to take some quiet time everyday and read a few devotionals or dive into a book of the Bible I have previously left untouched. I started reading a lot of She Reads Truth devotionals that look closely at different topics, books and women in the Bible. On Day 3 of the '5 Favorites' series, I read about Talitha, Jarius' daughter. She was 12 and was brought to Jesus by her father to be brought back to life. The devotional focuses on the fact that we learn so little about Talitha - is she kind, smart, obedient, lovely, graceful, selfless? - but we know so much about Jesus. Jesus didn't need a rap sheet or a backstory.
"The truth is, none of that really matters. The basis of her identity - from our point of view, is that she was a girl who was dead and Jesus brought back to life."

I want to learn that I am who I am because Christ is who He is.
I am everything I am because Christ is bringing me back.

I am everything I am because of the moment when He looks at me and says, "Little girl - I say to you, arise."

I am praying for humility in my life. I am praying for the ability to humble myself in the sight of my Lord and call out to him, to ask him for help just as Jarius' did for his daughter.
I am praying that I can learn to define myself in Him. I am praying for growth and strength.

All I know is, is that my God is so full of grace. And for that, I am so grateful.

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” Criss Jami

Xoxo, Ashleigh